Bittersweet Memories

Through this past 2 months, I suddenly felt like I was throwing back to my childhood’s dark and bittersweet memories. I’m preparing for my wedding over come, and this is happened. It’s like I have to face my long gone nightmares, again.

I think my bittersweet memories will be endless as long as me and my entire family are still alive. I would not say that I have a bad family, but trust me, I had this feeling since I was a kid that this big family didn’t treat me right. I mean, it was right for them, but not for me.

I grew up as a Chinese family member that, I just realized it now, didn’t understand the meaning of freedom. Like, I have to go to school from Monday to Saturday before 7 in the morning without knowing why, did the homework after school if I want to play with my friends, lunch at 12 o’clock and dinner before 6 P.M. (which is time before the sun sets in Indonesia), and if I didn’t obey it all, I will be crying in the corner because of a rattan mark(s) that left on my thigh. It was a way of dicipline though, I admit it. But you know, it didn’t make me any good, it was even worse.

I’m tired of being controlled, and the more years to come I was trying to get out of my house as far as I can. Fyi, in Indonesia, children above 20 yo can still live together with their parents, even when they are married and having children. Three generations, or more, can live together! In a house! What a true love.

Meeting with Willy is a bless, I’d say that. I didn’t think he as my escape route, but I finally got my eyes wide opened when I’m with him. His family are not really different from mine, but luckily his Mom never pushed him to be someone that she wants. Me? I had to follow the rules no matter what, that’s it. If I could tell the little me in the past, I would say: Just be as stupid as you were.

That’s why you can see that I like to explore, went to some where I didn’t know, and I could just express my feeling through writing! I live as an introvert, since I’ve never being told of how to be extra. Because every extra move that I did was never right. Never.

Somehow, I can’t even believe in myself that I never commit a suicide in my life until now. Even once. But all this complicated feeling, I bet this is just a bittersweet.

What do I suppose to do? Stay away from every single business with them? Or just forgive them because they didn’t know what they’ve done? Well, if you are going to say that I have to talk, forget it. They won’t listen.

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